Wow!

I have a really good reason for not posting, I really do! I haven't even been reading anyone elses blogs, because that's how busy I've been!

I have spent most of my time trying to relocate and land on my feet, and things are going very well! I have more news to report on that but I don't want to tell it until the transition is complete.

I'm fresh off a really great Valentine's Day weekend, and this weekend I'll just be working ( 5 days left on the J.O.B.! YAAAY!) and handling business...oh yeah and going out to dinner tonight. I am SO happy with life right now, and I know it's going to be even better soon! Sometimes I actually feel like jumping up and squealing with delight... I'm feeling just that good!


So umm... yeah. That's about it. I will update with details SOON! I hope those of you that are reading, as well of those of you that I read are doing well. Payce!

Okay, so I lied

Well, not lied. But I was a little wrong about something.
In my prior entry, I mentioned that After I moved to ATL (which would be within the next 3 months)I have plan in mind that I was going to excecute. That plan is still active, but I felt a surge of...I dunno, it's like I got that creative urge pumping, and I guess I figured I could just put a request out here for whoever's reading. Ain't nothing wrong with supplementing my plan, right?

I'm looking for tracks to sing over. Generally, I sing soul music... but soul encompasses a lot, so I'm open to house tracks, hip hop tracks... anything good. So if you or someone you know produces music and is trying to find someone to collab with...contact me. I'm serious! Check my profile for my email address. I guess I should put a sound clip of my voice on here, so those of you who have no idea of what I sound like will now know huh? I will, pretty soon. In the meantime though...

Thank ya kindly!

( and if ya know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody... holla at them too.)

Haaaaaaaaaaay, Boo!

At the subtle urging of Afeni, I've decided to post a lil something something, since I've been slack in blogging. I've gotten so comfy reading other's thoughts, I haven't had the time to post my own!

So uh... let's see, what is there?

There's pretty much nothing going on but the rent, and more specifically, how I'mma pay that shit, since I have no job lined up yet. Oh, did I neglect to tell y'all? I'm moving to Atlanta! Yes, yes, y'all, I'm raising up out of this piece! I knew I'd be leaving here this year sometime, but I had no clue that this city would depress me to the point that I actually could stay no longer. I'd mulled over going back to Jersey (and I'd really still like to, and will do so in about 5 years) but my daughter would like to remain in Georgia so we can be within driving distance of my family as well as her father and his fam.

I'm currently on the hunt for a job in the Atlanta area. I'm looking into all kinds of work, cuz I think I've had enough of slaving up in these hospitals. Most doctors can be shitty individuals, and I've learned over the years that the support staff is usually a bunch of people who are social misfits or imbeciles who can't cut it in any other industry (of course, there are exceptions, but in my personal experience, this is definitely the case). As for me... I'm not gon' be able to do it!© Double XX Posse
(Okay, well maybe part-time I can; I'm always on the paper chase)

What else is there? Ah, yes, the music. Well that's basically fallen through as far as pursuing it here. My crew that I was working with has disbanded, and they are all on some mess where they have split up equipment and all... I ain't got the energy for trying to work around their mess! I'm cool with them all, but that situation has me rather messed up. Of course, I can put up my own money and go into a studio, but I have things to learn, and going it completely on my own at this point in my life isn't conducive to producing some quality recorded material. So what's a girl to do?
I have a plan that I intend to set in motion once I've settled into ATL.

Over the course of the past 6 years or so, I've been fortunate to have met and come into contact some very talented folks. Some of them you have seen, listened to, or read about; some haven't broken through yet, or play the background. I missed oppurtunities to work with them before, because I was too afraid to ask for their help, and still buying into the ideal that my family instilled in me. You know, the whole working a regla' old 9 to 5. I have hella hustle in me, but as it happens, being a working stiff just ain't for me, and I plan to make up for all those missed chances.

All that typing and I still haven't explained much about the future of my music yet, huh? While ATL is ripe with talented folk, I haven't really immersed myself into it's musical loop yet, and for now I want to deal with who and what I know, but none of them have Atlanta as their base. But, eh, no matta me, because I've been inspired by the recent projects of The Foreign Exchange and Tanya Morgan. Sy Smith has recently gotten in on the idea as well, so hey, why can't I?(you're going to have to follow the links, or at least the first one, to understand what I mean) I don't want to mention any names and jinx myself, but if my plan comes off as I envision... wow. It will take time, but whatever amount of time and work this takes will be SO worth it to me, and I hope it will be to you guys as well. I can't wait to get started so that I can share!

And that, people, concludes what has been going on in my boring old life. Afeni, don't call me out like that no mo', iight?

Until next time (which I PROMISE won't take a whole freakin' month), Be safe, and at least make an attempt at being good! PAYCE!

Dudes, why y'all be lying?

I posted this yesterday on my Myspace blog yersterday, but since I've been neglecting this one, I thought I'd post it here.

So on my way to vote today, a guy pulls up, and asks if I need a ride. "No" I say, since I'm about 20 paces away from where I'm going. So he tried a different approach in his holleration. " Don't I know you from somewhere?" My mouth was all ready to say "No" again, until I tilted my head and got another good look at him, and he told me his name. Turns out that we'd had a lil summer thing that never quite got off the ground about 10 years ago. So he says: "Ooh, I KNEW I remembered your face!"


What a liar. He drove up to me from behind. So I say to him " Man no you didn't; you drove up looking at my butt." As his face cracked, I continued with "And you don't remember my butt either because it wasn't this big back in the day."

Dudes why y'all be lying? I can't speak for all the other ladies, but I think that most of us like honesty. Respect me and be honest with me, and a lot of your work with me is done for you!

So yeah, he and I had a laugh about that, and we wound up talking for a long time actually. He's kinda salty about how things aint work out the first time. For one thing, we didn't go to the same school. He says I was too popular at mine, and not giving him no play. Lies I tell you. I was "popular" by default and definitely not by any desire to be so. Besides that, what the hell does that have to do with him? He dropped the ball back then, period. I'm giving him a chance to pick it up now though... he looks gooooooood as a grownup. Let's see how this goes... the stable is starting to look good!

Serena, No!!!!!!

That is all.

I'm still here y'all

I know I haven't posted in a minute. My apologies to all 2.5 members of my readership community, *lol*.

Well well well... what has gone on since? Nothing much, same ole same old, except that this past weekend I went to Atlanta with my homegirl T.T. and met up with my girl Meagan for her birthday. We went to see Erykah Badu, and old girl tow ( that's tore, for the slang challenged) the house down, as usual. Nina Sky and Twista opeened the show. We really wanted to see Jill Scott on Saturday, but the tickets sold out so we "settled" ( ha!) for Erykah. I was impressed with Nina Sky! They can really sing! Problem is, their material leaves something to be desired. As for Twista, I was a lil disappointed, because I'm a fan from his older days, and I wanted to hear more of that, but of course, he stayed focused on his latest album, which isn't bad per se, but I just like "old" Twista better.

We had a great time during the show though, during everyone's sets and right before Erykah's because that's when the DJ finally decided to start throwing fire on the 1s and 2s. At that point, it seemed like he started throwing on the BEST hip hop ever made up until the year of 1994 or so. I broke out of my normal shy shell ( thanks to Meagan and her nutty self) and danced my ass OFF. I had on heels and had to take those bad boys off to get my groove on properly... a sis was getting a lil hyped up in there! I swear that by the time I was through, my snug jeans has started slipping down, and my abs were looking tighter. We worked OUT, ya heard? what kinda pissed me of was... these neo boho posers. You know the type. I don't even have to begin to explain, but they are the typical type you'd expect to see at a Badu show. they were hating on us hard, and being stiff than a mug, like we were out of place by having a good time dancing and reciting along with the music before E's set. I guess we were disturbing their chi or some shit, or maybe my fro was obscuring their vision or something, I dunno. I apologize to ya phony stiff, fake wanna be boho asses though; I lit some nag champa in your honor before I went to bed that night :-).

After the concert, I went to a gay club with TT and her girlfriend, and danced a lil bit more... to the point where my thighs hurt! I usually don't dance, but what the hell the DJ was on fire... I figured I could drop another 5 pounds for the night, lol. I had a good time there too. Don't get me wrong, I love men, but y'all don't know how to behave in the club sometimes, so being the lezzie hag that I am, I had a ball. Most of the men there were cute too, but I didn't have to be concerned about being inappropriately groped. Lesbians are funny though... almost a lil more hardcore than men. I got hit on before I got in the door good. It's been my experience that if you have no intentions to go along with their game, A lesbian don't even wanna talk to your ass ANY MORE. With men, you can turn them down, and they'll still talk to you, or at least try to get a dance so they can rub up on you or something. Lesbians? Nope. Every time I said, "Sorry, I'm into men", the chicks got GHOST. Men who get dissed in clubs, take notes! Be gone once you get shot down, okay?

I had a really gracious host for the weekend, and I don't think I made it to their place til about 5:30 am, so You know I was tore down and worn out... thankfully, when I woke up, my body wasn't screaming in as much agony as it had been doing when I went to bed. After bsing most of the day, I was treated by my host to a nice spot, and I got to see OMAR!!! My goodness I have such a crush on Omar, it's a shame. I wanted to eat him up... despite the fact that she's short, and we all know I'm not crazy about short men. Omar is the bomb... and he got the nerve to make good music too. *sigh* What a guy.


Lets see... well you know I always have to close with a gripe though, right?
Well. Ever feel like you're just in the wrong place for EVERYTHING? I usually don't trip on men or relationships because my focus is usually elsewhere, but now I'm tripping because I really like someone, but knowing who and how I am, I can't pursue them because they don't live here. This sucks, and always happens to me. I met someone over the weekend too, but I wonder why I'm bothering, because of the same thing. I mean, sure we can visit each other, but it's not the same. Dating is hard enough as it is, but dating LONG DISTANCE? Fuggetaboutit. Tried it... as light dating and in a monagamous relationship... it's hard and I don't have the energy to devote to it. Why do the men here have to suck? Good news is, I'm leaving for the new year, God willing, so wish me luck!

Y'all be good now, ya hear?

Baby, baby, baby...

Where has all the time gone? My baby has gone from this


to this




Today is her 11th birthday. The time has flown. It seems like she was just a baby in my arms just the other day. Last night, she begged me to receive her gift, so I let her put on her bangle and ring. The ring only fits her pinky! I told her to hold her hand up to mine, and the child's hands and fingers are bigger than mine. When did all this happen, and how did I miss it? she also seems to be in some kind of weird race to top my height and she's catching up! I figured she'd be tall, because I'm 5'11", but she is on my tail already. She has some big old feet too. I don't know what to make of this. I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast. She received in invite to the National Beta Club today. I'm cheesed up about that.

I remember being her age, and it it really wasn't long ago. I thnk I'm riddled with a little more angst than she is right now. She's a really easygoing, well adjusted child. I'm pround of her. I still just can't believe it's all happening so fast. I think I'm gonna go clean over the edge by the time she hits high school, *sigh* what ise gon' do?


Off to go have some tea or something, this is a bit much for me, ha!
Later!

Sleep is good

Sleep is one of my favorite activities, but I haven't been able to get any restful sleep in a REAAAAAAAALLY long time. Well, I just woke up from some of the bestest (yup that's what I said) sleep! I almost didn't get up, but the kid is on her way home from school. Thats sleep was so good, if given the choice between sleep and some penis....I woulda been a sleeping ass. *giggles*

Oh yeah, and then a woke up to a shiny new check card! I know that basically ain't shit, but when you like to buy stuff online and have several monthly acounts that get taken care of through it, it's a bitch to not have it. I was looking dumb, feeling embarrased at cash registers trying to explain what happened, and having to *gasp* set foot in the bank to deposit checks ( peep my T-shirt side hustle... off to your right there, tee hee) and make withdrawals. I was also frustrated because I saw some really cute and sexy things on CLEARANCE at some of my favorite online places and couldn't buy yackety smack. Now that I have my shiny happy new card, I feel like this:



That's all for the minute. I'm sure something will sour my mood later, ha!

Well folks...

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement I've gotten in regards to my last 2 entries to my blog. I'm not gonna get all sappy and mushy and get myself into a tizzy again, but I'd like to let you all know that I really appreciate it.

I have come to a realization about something. Sometimes you just have to admit you failed at something. I am now admitting that my attempt to make a life here is an utter and complete failure. As I have said several times before, there is absolutely nothing in this place for me other than my family. It just ain't enough. I have tried to make a satisfying life here for my daughter's sake, and I can not do it. I've tried for 2 years. If that wasn't an honest effort I don't know what the hell is. When I take upon a new endeavor, it's done with incredible zeal. Ask anyone who I'd been contact with during the time that I'd been planning to come here, and they'd tell you that I was acting like I'd won a multi-million dollar jackpot or something. I really and truly thought that I could make this work. I love my family, I do, but being close to them is not enough. If they lived somewhere else this might have worked, but it just ain't happening. I came here for the wrong reasons, and my life has become a train wreck because of it.

All that said, I have made some extremely difficult decisions over the past two days.
I don't wish to divulge them here until some of them are carried through, but trust me, they are some extreme choices I never thought that I would have to make. I'd rather carry them out than to continue living life like this. I can't even call this existence I'm suspended in a life, for real. It's serious like that. I will be 30 soon and I promised myself while I was still in my teens that by the time I hit 30 that I wouldn'be be caught up in some bullshit existence, and I won't. I simply REFUSE to be.

Off topic: while I was writing this, I realized something else.
I AM NOT NICE. I'm not! This seems to be a trait people associate with me, and I'm not. At least I'm tired of trying to be. I need to let the feeling that I need to be nice go. I don't feel like being nice all the time. I am courteous, and I'm respectful, only because I want people to extend as much to me. I wonder what would happen if I just decided to nut the fuck up for a day. How would people like THAT?
Of course, I can get nasty when necessary, but I get the feeling that If I just let 'er rip for a whole 24 hours, that it would be like one long comedy sketch. Hmmm.


Anyway, that's all for today.

On another note...

I will now post what I really intended to post about last time.

I'm really conflicted about my future after my present as a worker bee. I fully intend to get my music off of the ground, however, I'm not sure how to work something out. The idea of my own celebrity is not appealing to me at all. To people who know me well, I am silly, goofy, talkative, and a fun and sociable person. The problem is, not too many people know me well. I am shy. very, very shy. I can go to a party, play the wall or sit in a corner quiet as a mouse and be perfectly fine. I love playing the voyeur and taking in the things around me. I have maddening bouts of stage fright before I perform, and lots of times during a performance. I have not performed at all since being here, and it bothers me than when I get back into the groove, my fright may have even increased. I don't know how to come to terms with or get over this problem. I feel a need to perform and share my voice with people, but I'm the classic introvert. The two extremes are disturbing to me, and I'd like to come to a happy medium, but how?

Also,I have to bitch about my location again: Way up the coast in New York City, I hear tell that my name has passed upon someone's lips because they want me to sing
backup for them, and possibly have my own set for a showcase. but guess what? I CAN'T, because I'm HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Of cousre, if I wasn't a brokeass, this wouldn't be an issue, because I could just fly there for the rehearsals and the performances. I have enough vacation time to take a few weeks off, knock this out and put this experience on my resume, but, let me remind you all again; My Black ass is BROKE, so I can't even fly there for that! I have GOT to leave this place. Besides my fam, there really isn't shit for me here.

Let me go on back to putting my ducks in a row for my escape. Laters!

P.S.

At least I have music to look forward to ( although I'm too broke to buy it right this minute...I'm trying HARD to keep my money in my pocket). Albums from Lalah Hathaway, Shawnna, and Guerilla Black dropped yesterday, and next week, De La Soul and Raphael Saadiq will be dropping new albums. That means I'll be out of about $60 or $70 bucks, but to me, it'll be worth it. Okay, I'm out for real this time :-)

Hey Hey Hey

Yeah, it's been a while since I last posted, but hey, what can I say? I've just been a little busy, that's all. I'm pretty sleepy as I type this, but I feel compelled to post.

So umm, yeah. I've heard about this new quarter life crisis mess about a year or two ago, and I thought to myself, "What a load of BS!" Now, here I am at 26 years old and I think I'm in the throes of one! I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I know that I'm fortunate in a lot of ways, but more often than not, I reach a point in my day and think, "What the fuck is happening with my life, and how did I fuck it up so badly?" Most of my discontent stems from relocating here. Up until now, I've said that I had no regrets in my life. My life so far had been tumultuous, but most of the bad times I have have either made me stronger or smarter, and I don't wish to erase those experiences from my slate. But since moving here, I have had absolutely nothing but bad times. The first "L" I took was a dramatic decrease in pay. I got duped into thinking that the "low cost of living" here here would make it even out. Ha! Low cost of living my ass. The only thing that is cheaper here is the cost of a house if you're BUYING one, and not renting. Food, clothes, gas, anything you can think of is more expensive here. I took on a part time job for a while that just wasn't worth it to me. I went on to do on-call duty for overtime at my regular gig.
Once the end of 2003 rolled around, I was weary of that, because as my crew of coworkers slowly turned into an entirely different drew of people, my job has become more and more unpleasant. "Quit your job!" You say. Ha! I tried that. I've tried going someplace else, but guess what? I keep getting the "overqualified" bullshit thrown at me, or I can't get my shift needs met. I have a couple side hustles that I'd gladly depend on if it was only myself that I had to worry about, but I have a kid. I refuse to have her grow up the way I did, so as long as I have the means to provide the best for her, I will stay at it until something better comes along.

Then there's my mother. She's been ill a lot lately, and besides that, let me be real here... she's a fucking drama queen and a control freak. It's like she's not satisfied unless she can bitch and complain about something. The most trivial bullshit, she can create a knock down drag out confrontation over. She also "knows" EVERYTHING, and when she's wrong she will not apologize. She's been this way all my life, which is why I raised up out of her house when I was 15. I'm a peaceful spirit and all bullshit must stay outside of where I dwell, period. In spite of this, I love her anyway, and as many times as she's been in the hospital ( and I'll be real again, each time it's because of her slovenly lifestyle) I'm terrified that If I move away from this city, that nobody will be there for her. I mean, she has the rest of my family here, but most of them are busy tending to their own lives. I have a 15 year old brother who is not mature as I was at that age. I know without any doubt that if something were to happen to her, he would be a prime candidate for the looney bin. I know that her falling THAT ill is a worst case scenario, but with her lifestyle and penchant for high drama, it's not an unreasonable fear. I need to get out of this city, but I want to be here for my mother. I WILL leave this city but... *sigh*.

Money. Money, Money, Money,Money, MONAAAAAY. I have not been this broke since... hell, I've never been this broke. Let me tell you this, student loan lenders don't give a fuck that you make less money at your new job. Yep, I'm back to the money thing. Whoever said that money doesn't by happiness is a gotdamn liar. If somebody laid as little as 10,000 US dollars on me, I would rollerskate bucknaked down the nearest main street. I don't just want more money, I need it to facilitate my escape from here. As long as I'm dealing with these bullshit jobs in this bullshit city, it's that much harder to leave here. This place is like quicksand. Once you get sucked in, it's pretty hard to get out. I curse my family every day for relocating here, and I curse myself for feeling like I needed their support and moving here to get it. At this point, I'd take on a roommate so that I could squirrel away some money for my escape.

Oh yeah, I mustn't forget about the dearth of single, respectable, and halfway presentable Black men. Hell, men of color, period. (I'm not opposed to SOME swirling, as my daughter is mixed, but I just prefer Black men, or men of color at the least. I can't put my finger on it, but that is just MY preference. I want everyone to do who and what THEY like, and respect what I like.)I don't mean in general, but just here. I don't really buy into the whole "Black Man Shortage", nor the "DL" men phenomenon sweeping the nation( which has been going on since the beginning time, with men AND woemen of all races. I rellay think this is a new tool to make Black men look bad. I don't deny that this is a serious issue that needs attention, but the media is making it look like Black and Latino men are the only ones who are getting down). I don't know what it is about this place, but the men just ain't right! I haven't met one man yet that is satisfactory dating material that isn't already involved with someone else. Hell, most of the ones that ARE coupled off ain't right. I don't think that I have unreasonable standards, and I hope for the best with each man I meet, but damn if they say SOMETHING to mess it all up for themselves within 5 damn minutes. first and foremost, I want someone with a good head on their shoulders that can hold a decent conversation about something other than pop culture, sports, or talking about getting some ass. I have not met one man who lives within a 100 mile radius who can do that yet. In 2 years, not a damn one. I'm tired of making googly eyes via long distance and emails. I'm at a point where damn near all of my relationships outside of my family (platonic and otherwise) are with people who live 4 or more hours away, or out of the daggone country. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!! I'm going nutty!!!! Ah well, my daughter's father is always there, trying to lure me back in. I guess leftovers ain't so bad when they're your own leftovers, huh? Not!


Okay, this is so NOT what I intended to post about initially, but I'm glad to get that off my chest. I don't really feel any better, but I think I might have imploded if this didnt come out. If you're still reading, thanks for hanging in there for my little rant.

Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!

... cheered all the haters at the Player Haters Ball.

I love my friends, I truly do, but sometimes I HATE their asses!
Case in point: my girl Kamilah. Although we have striking contrasts to each other, we are similar enough that we get along like peas in a pod. Since relocating, I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, but we try our best to keep in touch. This heiffer met her longtime crush, Don Cheadle Saturday night. She actually just spoke it into being a few days prior.
In addition to that, she also ran into Djimon Hounsou, and the love of my life (in my fantasies at least)
Chiwetel Ejiofor!

Not only did she meet him, she DANCED with my man!
This goes out to you, 'Milah...

"I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate you too! I wish you ill! I want nothing but bad things to happen to you and nobody else but YOU!!" (c) Silky Johnson


Psyche, I'm kidding, but man, I'm SO envious right now.

I'm gonna go over in the corner and pout now.

Hmmm, really?

Category I - The Hub

You're a 'people person'. Networking runs in your
blood. Consequently, you can move through most
social circles with ease.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



I find these results strange, as I consider myself pretty shy. I mean, I have lots of aquaintences, and I think I'm pretty well liked, but I dunno. Maybe the shy, quiet self image that I have is all wrong. why haven't I been putting my "people person" skills to work? Can any of you answer this for me?

*scratches head*

Come On Now, People...

Stop the hate.

Serena. Looks. Good.



Just admit it.

Sheees Baaaa-ack!

And thank goodness!




Thank you, Jill!


Wow, I can finally openly gush with joy over this cd. I've had the advance for a little while, but I tried to be considerate and not gloat, LOL. I went out to purchase a SoundScan-able copy today, and people, please support my girl. It is SO worth it. My only request that I have of Hidden Beach ( or Jill herself, you got that scrill to do it yourself, ma!) is that a single and video for "My Petition" be released by October so that come November, people will have had a little to ponder over, as if the past 4 years haven't been enough.

Support good music people!

You can say what you wanna...

But Serena is a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD ( meaning very good, of course!) chick!



The media is trying to play her, regarding her choice of gear for her opening match at the U.S. Open this year.
Face it, white America, you CANNOT fuck with this chick.
PERIOD.
Get over it! To loosely paraphrase on of my favorite comedians, Paul Mooney;
Black people have rhythm, grace, and style. American white folks wanna be us, but DON'T wanna be us. You also hate the fact hat we can outdo you at sports you tried to exclude us from. Live with it, and stop fronting and trying to throw shade. You'll live longer and more happily. All that envy welled up inside you can kill.


*thinks to self, that sounded VERY hateful* Well hell, so have all the articles related to Serena been this week! Hmph!


Nah, but really, WHOEVER is hating on this chick needs to stop. She is smart, beautiful, has killer athletic prowess, she's creative, and SHE's RICH, BIYAAAAAACH!


Tee hee. Rant over.

I've just come to a conclusion about something.

There's someone I REALLY cannot stand! It's taken me about 5 years to come to this conclusion. You know how some people just can't stand to be wrong? They're like that! However, when this person has no choice but to condcede to being such, they have to just HAVE to have the last word! Disgusting! Petty! I just feel foolish to have just been picking up on it after all this time. I have an uncanny knack for pegging people immediately, but apparently this person was flying under by bullshit radar. Well I'm hip now... this bitch's signal is reading like .
The good news is, I don't have to be bothered with them, and so ends my random rant for the day!

Stop the presses, I'm blogging twice in one day!

Yeah, so I just wanted to pop back in real quick and hip you guys to MySpace. It's kinda like Friendster, but in my opinion, better. Mostly because is has a lot more melanin in the joint! It's also a lot more user friendly. So... wanna see my profile ( and a couple more pics of me)? Here ya go! I think I have a pretty respectable amount of friends there without going overboard. Some people have HUNDREDS of friends! Like, do they REALLY know these people? I've found myself rejecting friend requests there, because I don't know the person from Adam, nor Eve. I've even had a freaking marriage proposal in my inbox! How serious it was, I don't know, but homeboy looked mad suspect. Peeps are crazy as hell, I tell ya.

So yeah, if it appeals to you, sign up, and we can be friends! But like, only if I can basically figure out who the heck you are, once you join ( or if you're already a member). Random internet people are creepy. I don't talk to strangers.

*grins*

Man, I knew this was coming!

If you know me at all, you know that I'm an avid lover of music. I'm also a part-time undercover budding artist as well ( but we'll leave that topic for another time, yes, we will!), So it's only natural that my child would love music just as much as I do. After basketball,one of my pre-teen daughter's favorite pastimes is beating on any hard surface she can find. Tables, books, walls, etc. If it makes a sound, the babe will beat. She decided during the first week of school that she wants to play in the band, and play the drums! *rimshot* Lawdhammercy.

Lover of music and the arts that I am, I want to encourage her to do whatever she wants, since my childhood and teenage dreams were strongly discouraged and frowned upon ( that's a whole 'nother entry too). However, I sure did try to steer her to another instrument! Flute perhaps? ( like Harold Laws!) Sax? (Najee!) Trumpet? ( Dizzy, Miles, Roy Hargrove!) The reason? No good one really, just that I thought that maybe another instrument that involved the movement of air might be quieter than one utilizing tapping and banging would. *shrugs* So, band tryouts were earlier this week, and to appease me, she tried out on the trombone, and kicked ass ( my lil J.J. Johnson!), but she threw down on the drums too, so I guess since she PLEADED with me over the drums... drums it will be. I really think she just gets off on doing things that most other girls don't do, but we'll see. I'mma just let her get her little Cindy Blackman on.


Bang Bang.

It's that wonderful time of the year....

So I've successfully gotten my daughter's first week of school under way... I'm glad... She's glad, but I'm already noticing other parents' lackadaisical attitudes about school in general. This is why Georgia's public schools are among the lowest rated schools in the country. Yes, I can partially blame the government, but if parents don't do their part at home, as well as fight for their children in public forums and being proactive when the gub'ment provides the oppurtunity... then they're going to just... be dumb!
I feel myself about to get "soapboxy", and I don't want to ruin my good mood I started to day with. But I'll be back!

*goes back to listen to Jill Scott's Beautifully Human promo*

tee hee!

A	Amorous
L	Luxurious
A	Altruistic
S	Scary
H	Handy
A	Awesome

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Daaaaaaaaaaamn!

Rick is dead y'all!

He was cold as ice long ago, but now he'll be cold....forever!

I am not sad at all! I have nothing but good memories of Rick James; my parent's and relative's tales of his debauchery and onstage antics, Dave Chappelle's homage that put him back on the map, he and Teena's Ceephus and Reesie impersonation last month at the BET awards, and of course, the music! Hell, I even named one of my links after an old Rick James song!

Let me take a moment here and dance to my all time favorite Rick James songs, "Cold Blooded"


My condolences go out to Rick's loves ones. To everyone else, don't be sad! IT'S A CELEBRATION!

Dammit...

Jam, why do you always have to have these cool links?

If you love music and musicians click here


*sigh* I'm sucked in, y'all.


So yeah, anyway, I went and met my formerly-internet-now-real life acquaintence yesterday. I only stayed a short time because I'd already made plans with some family members.
I wish I'd stayed longer because I had a great time! She and her children are dolls!
I'mma call you , girl! LMAO!



The outing that I went to with my family was to the movies to go and see Spiderman 2. I fell asleep. Can you believe that? I won't say that the movie was bad, because I slept through half of it, but I WILL say that it's very very TALKY. I'll have to go see it again to give it a fair and complete assessment. The actions scenes that I DID catch were badass, although frighteningly reminiscent of the last installment of The Matrix.


Okay, off to explore more of that cool link!

I'm better...

... than yesterday at least. I'm working on the situation that had me bummed yesterday, and I got some calls from 3 of my closest friends ANY OLE WAY, and their crazy behinds made me feel better. Especially Tyrice. I think he was drunk or something close to it ( but let's be clear, he's not a lush... just had to clarify). He called me after he'd gotten home from an after-work party at a real nice club in NYC whose name I am now drawing a blank on. Anyway, he called me talking loud, laughing, and singing the songs that had been spun at the club. After a few minutes, he pumped up the music in his crib and started dancing with me, but over the phone. I know that sounds weird, but his energy was so infectious I had to get up and dance with him. We do shit like that sometimes. I need friends like that.

My other two friends made me smile too. Asia, because she's just silly and when she first called she was sitting in the park and there was a man playing a trumpet and his song was so soothing, that I felt better after just a few bars. I was like, "Dag, girl, let me find out you got a band following you just to give our conversations a soundtrack!" She's the bomb. She's also gonna send me a little something something to wear as a belated birhtday gift. She makes clothes, and she is fly as hell! I love her sense of style, so I don't even to have to ask what it is, or what color or anything. I know I'll rock it with pride. I'm gonna catch up with her though, I bought a sewing machine the other day and I'm awaiting its delivery. *rubs hands together evilly* I gotta get back to Philly and go shopping with her again though. When I was there a few months ago, I copped a fly suede jacket for 10 bucks! What! What! YOU CAN'T STOP A WOMAN FROM SHOPPING!

Meagan was the first to call, and she's going thrugh her own thing with a very recent breakup and all, but she's still crazy as hell. We're gonna take a trip together in the coming months when my money is looking better. Right now I'm looking at "back to school" shopping, my baby's impending 11th birthday, and holiday gifting ( although all gifts will be made, not bought). In other words, no matter what I'm doing for money soon, a nigga gon' be struggling for a minute! So yeah, back to Miss Meagan Schmeagan Coheagan... she and I will be taking a trip away from BOTH of our respective resident cities to we can wreak havoc on another. Our choices are Orlando, Miami, Philly, L.A., and NYC.
We're both leaning towards NY though. Me, because it's basically home for me, and I am thorougly homesick. For her, it's because he last trip there was a bust and she KNOWS NYC is better than that! We're still open though. We'll make a decision when she gets back from her trip next week. She's going to Senegal. I think I'm going to have to arrange an international trip amonsgt a few of my friends soon. Can you imagine what kind of mischief we could get into? Of course you can't. Most of you that are reading this don't know me that well---yet. *impish grin*.

You know, I must apologize for my rambling style of blogging. I sometimes forget or all out ignore the rules of traditional writing, so I know iit might be frustrating to read sometimes. My bad! Yeah, so anyway, all of the above was my little way of writing an ode to some of my peeps. As anti- long distance relationship I am... I'm doing it faithfully anyway, just in a platonic way. I so wish I could see my friends all the time, but I'm no closer than 4 hours to any of them. I LOVE THEM THOUGH! I feel it right here! *points to heart*


Oh, one more thing. I'm meeting someone I met over the internet today! Clutch your pearls later... it's a very old experience for me, lol. I live in a pretty wack city, or at least culturally it is. ( read: the Black folks here are generally not progressive, ad are content with being ignorant and are not used to having nice places where it's mostly us there having a good time.... and ESPECIALLY w/o Lil Jon and 'nem being played every five minutes. WHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!!! OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY) Anyway, she's a transplant from ATL, and we will be celebrating her daughter's birthday, who is very close to my daughter's age. I think it'll be a good time. I'm SO looking forward to making friends here. I've been here as an adult for going on two years now, and I don't go out unless I go with fam, because it's hard to meet like minded folks here. Wish me luck! I have a good feeling about this though.

See ya!

I'm gonna put this as plainly as possible. I'm in a really fucked up mood. To all of my family/friends who might have been thinking to call me today but decided to come here and read first, please don't bother me today. If I were to answer the phone, the conversation would be full of sighs, monosyllabic replies, and stretches of silence, and the possibility of me going off for apparently no reason. That's not fair to any of you, and you all know I don't like to be ugly or mean to anyone. I'm in a real bad spot right now, and I really don't care to talk about it, because it won't change anything. I just want to run my errands, go to the beach, and have a few glasses of sangria, to take the edge off of this shit I'm dealing with. If I feel a little bit better later on, I might come back and talk about it here. If you should happen to see me somewhere online lurking, and I don't answer you or the telephone, you now know why, so please don't feel slighted.

To whoever is reading this, have a good weekend, okay?
Love, love love,
Me.

Whoooosaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Okay, so I like having a fresh floral arrangement at all times. Is that a crime? Thing is, my money is tied up in other things and no strapping young fellow is professing his love for me and sending me bouquets regularly, so I haven't been able to indulge in this luxury every week like I'd like to. Since I'm no slouch when it comes to craftiness, I decided it would be cool to go hook myself up a few artificial arrangements to pacify myself when I can't have real ones. Plus it would also be cool to have my favorite flowers around when they're out of season. So I head on down to the craft store that I dreaded going to, atter I'd searched high and low for the fakes I wanted EVERYWHERE, even online, with no luck. Guess what? When I FINALLY find the area that my flowers should be.... they are out of stock. DAMN. So I ask an employee if and when there will be a new shipment of the item that I want, and she tells me they won't arrive for a few weeks. *pout* She offers to take my name and number so she can call me when they arrive, and she'll even set the amount that I want aside just for me! Awww, isn't she nice? Gotta love good customer service. So I gave her my info and went on to browse the rest of the store and see what else they have to offer in tickling my creative fancy.

I have not left my job yet... I agreed to train someone before I move on, and I have a transfer to another department in the works, along with some other things. Yes, I hate grinding in this manner, but I ain't no fool. My baby will be back in school in two weeks, and she needs uniforms and supplies... mama ain't no damn dummy...I WILL be leaving soon though, if this transfer is not to my satisfaction.

Oh so yeah, back to my escapade at the craft store. I went immediately after work, so I was still rocking my blue scrubs and cute little work shoes :-). I'm minding my biz, poring over the selection of jewelry clasps, when I hear a voice with an accent reminiscent of Scarlett O'Hara's...."Are you working here?" I turn to detect the owner of the voice, and see some shrewish white woman in her 60's ( I guess). " ...because I can't seem to find the yadda yadda yadda...." I don't like to make scenes, so I quelled the urge to yell "NAW, ya Miss Daisy BITCH!!!!", gave her The Rock's eyebrow and tersely said, "No". I felt like this... EVERYONE who works at this place wears bright ass red aprons. I'm literally dressed head to toe in blue, and regardless of the color, anybody who looks at me should be able to infer that I work in some type of medical capacity, at the very least. Ain't nothing wrong with working in a craft store, but I felt like this chick didn't even look at me, she just saw some brown skin and thought: "Oooh, a darkie! Must be here just to serve my needs...what else could she be here for?". Living in the South will warp your thinking in this way because YT makes no effort at all to conceal their racism. But I don't wanna seem like a Knee Jerk Nigga.... what do you think about the exchange?

In other news... well there is none really, other than I'm fatter because I can't go to the gym or workout right now. Until I can see a doctor again, I'm nursing a wound under my arm and I can't use any products whatsoever and sweating makes the wound burn like hell. Waaaaaaah. I have to wash my pits everytime I break a sweat. I might even have to get surgery to remove my axillary sweat glands.So uh... pray for me either way. I need to get in the gym pronto, and I need a resolution to my condition.


Whooooosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.......Peace.

Getting grown...

Sometimes I long for the days when I
was younger, so that I could go back and change things that I did, but
today two things made me appreciate the maturity that I and some
others around me have gained. I'll make this brief because I don't
wanna get cloudy eyed again. (Although I can't say I'm a cryer, I AM a
sap.)


First thing, I found out that a very special lady I know delivered her
babies a couple days ago, but only their spirits are left with us. I
was so heartbroken when I heard the news. But, being the special person she is, she and her mate
are being extremely strong right now. Her peace with the situation has
comforted me, and here I was, initally trying to think of ways to
comfort her! Blessings to her family and her little beautiful ones.
Secondly, I appreciate how maturity has changed the relationships I
have with certain people. Once upon a time, I had someone I had to deal
with, and at that time I don't think there were two other people on the
planet who has such an intense mutual disdain for one another as this
person and I had. Here we are now, about 11 years later, and our
relationship is almost the exact opposite. I totally credit it to
maturity on both our ends. She is now assisting me in the fight
against the plantation, among other things. I cannot begin to
express my gratitude to her.

I propose a virtual toast to "Being Grown"
*clinks glass* Cheers!

I have a question to ask.

Vikter Duplaix, will you marry me? You are helping me get through my day in such a major freaking way. Think about it, man. :-)

Know what sucks more than having to do work on your day off?

Doing work for someone else on your day off.
This my friends, is the sort of day I have ahead of me.
*sigh* Well, at least I have Rahsaan and Ghost to keep me company.

I'd like to say A WHOA HA!

I'm feeling pretty good right now.I'm at my mom's house and homegirl hooked me up with a Smirnoff Sour Apple Twister. This stuff is good!

Wooooooooooooooooooooo!

"Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line?"

The innocence of childhood is SO blissful. As an introverted kind of person, I'm often in my own little world it's easy for me to turn a blind eye to things I don't care to see, because I'm preoccupied with Planet MeandMine. Still, as a child, my view of the world around me was even more shiny, happy and fun. Even now as an adult, my good childhood memories heavily outweigh the bad ones. Perhaps this is why I'm just now seeing how some fools in my hometown are doing their damnedest to retain the bad reputation it garnered since
the '67 riots.

Sunday, I got a call from my friend Tracy. Tracy and I go waaaaaaaay back. Way back like Charleston Chews,Chick O Sticks, plastic bracelets and stopwatches for fashon's sake. She's about four years older than me, but I've known her since I was about 6. Our families lived near each other, so we actually grew up together very closely. Our line between friend and family is blurred like a mofo. I love her and her fam to death, even though some of us have taken drastically divergent paths. Well, now she's fed up with being complacent with her life in Newark and wants a change. She want's to make moves down South.

Tracy has 3 kids. Her son and my daughter are about the same age. The harrowing and impressionable pre-teens. The Bloods and Crips have finally caught on in North Jersey, doing dumb shit and wreaking havoc on a block near you. Of course, she doesn't want her kids around this bullshit, and especially not her son, since he's likely to get recruited into it. Hey, I'm with her all the way on that. What this basically boils down to is that she would like to stay with me until she can get her thing together down here. I feel obligated to let her do that, since she opened her home to me and my daughter when we needed it. Problem is, I don't wanna freakin' be here! I'm smack dab in the middle of trying to make my own moves. She actually wants to live in Atlanta, and so do I, which is good. However, I don't know how this is gonna work out. We clearly have more talking and planning to do on this issue.

It's so funny how when I think my life is confusing and complicated enough, I get hit with something else. Don't start hedging bets on the date of my nervous breakdown just yet, but DO stay tuned!

On to more pleasant things....

I have a reputation for being rather bookish. I can't help it. I just have the urge to learn new things all the time. I have so many things that I'd like to learn, but I haven't been able to find the time or access the resources I need to tap into. However, I forget that sometimes, all you have to do is open your mouth and ask somebody about the things you'd like to learn. Just fuckin ask! Well when you're shy like me, that's kinda hard. Fortunately, I have a small but fabulous circle of friends!

I was talking to Jamila Sunday night/Monday morning, bitching about how I hate living here, and I wish I knew some producers on the same wavelength with me, so that I can seriously get back into my music, instead of just aimlessly crafting lyrics. I was starting to fall into my negative thinking again. I was feeling like I couldn't seriously work on any music until I relocate up out this piece. Well, thanks to some advice and resources Jam hooked me up with, I'm now my own producer. So there! Thhhhhhhhhhhbbbt! Now I can finally relieve myself of some of the music that been pent up in my head. I feel so much better, especially that I'm already working on arrangements and such. I can't say exactly when I'll have something for your listening pleasure ( or horror? eeep!), but it's cooking.

Whew!

My my my, where to begin?

I guess I'll get my more somber though out of the way first
Last Friday, my friend Tyrice and I were talking about the upcoming first anniversary of Barry White's death, and lamenting the deaths of the artists who have passed more recently, namely Ray Charles. Me and my big mouth had to go and say, "Wow, this is so sad, this usually happens in groups, I wonder who's next?

Then we hear this.
*sigh*

All I can say is Rest In Peace, Syreeta. I'm glad your body not on this earth suffering anymore.

That's all I have to say about that.

Hey there

I haven't forgotten you. I've just been kinda busy and tossing around a lot of thoughts in my head. So much has happened this week, I don't know where to begin. I initally was going to just blog all these thoughts as a stream of consciousness, but I don't want to frustrate anyone,I wouldn't be able to read it my damn self, ha! Anyway, I'll be back to post them all in a few. I have a few things to do real quick. I just wanted to get my fingers warmed up here first :-)

REALITY CHECK!

I woke up today and I realized... my uh... money is REALLY tied up in other investments ( hee hee), so HOW am I gonna manage quitting my job?
Well, I'm working on some things and I'm waiting to hear back on some of the results this evening. I am scared y'all. For real. I'm tryng not to get caught up in the negative "what ifs", but it's really hard! If I didn't live here, this would be so much easier for me. This hellhole is hella hard to get your side hustle on in. I'm not giving up yet though.
*sigh*

"Oh, it's been such a long, long time..."

"...Looks like I'd get you off of my mind, but I can't."

Little bloggie, I'm so sorry I've been away.
I've deleted all of my previous entries because I felt like I wasn't really saying anything. At that point, everything I said here was just for me. I'm ready to share now. Sorry for being so selfish.... Forgive me? Thanks.

Today is a weird day. An eventful day I say. I have made an important decision today that may change the course of my life. Today I decided that I must quit my job. By the time I return to the big house later on this week, I plan to tell massa that I paid for my freedom, and that I'm leaving.

I don't want to go into all the details as of why just yet, but I will. I WILL say that over the last week or so, I've been seriously mulling over the idea, but last night after teetering on the brink of tears on one hand, and literally causing several of my co-workers serious bodily harm (and I am not exaggerating in the least bit), I realized this is something that I MUST DO. There is no amount of "checking people" or complaining to my superiors that will change the problems I face there. I even slept on it this morning and when I woke up, I damn near saw the word "LEAVE" floating in front of my eyes.

No, I don't have any money saved. No, I don't have another "job" lined up. No, I'm not crazy. However, if I continue my servitude at that place, I will be soon. Seriously. So... What am I going to do? I mean, it's not just me I have to worry about. I have a child too. Well, for the first time in my life, I'll be stepping out purely on faith. For all of my adult life I have been afraid of the unforeseen possibilities in my future, because I am responsible for someone else's life. Well, that HAS to change right NOW.

As a child, it never occurs to you that what you imagine for yourself may not come into fruition the way you planned or on the timeline you set up. My life damn sure has not gone as I'd imagined. A nigga's timeline is jacked than a muhfucka! I'm the mother of a child who has some BIG ASS dreams, and I believe in her all the way. It's one of my dreams to see her dreams through. What better way for her to prove to her that she can achieve them all than by accomplishing my own? So that's what I'm doing folks My resolution this year was to get around to doing what I REALLY see myself doing. I ain't done none of that shit yet. I will be exiting my early twenties exactly one week from now. If this ain't the time to get my shit together, then when will it be?

To whoever's out there reading... Send some positive vibes my way. I'mma need 'em!

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