On another note...

I will now post what I really intended to post about last time.

I'm really conflicted about my future after my present as a worker bee. I fully intend to get my music off of the ground, however, I'm not sure how to work something out. The idea of my own celebrity is not appealing to me at all. To people who know me well, I am silly, goofy, talkative, and a fun and sociable person. The problem is, not too many people know me well. I am shy. very, very shy. I can go to a party, play the wall or sit in a corner quiet as a mouse and be perfectly fine. I love playing the voyeur and taking in the things around me. I have maddening bouts of stage fright before I perform, and lots of times during a performance. I have not performed at all since being here, and it bothers me than when I get back into the groove, my fright may have even increased. I don't know how to come to terms with or get over this problem. I feel a need to perform and share my voice with people, but I'm the classic introvert. The two extremes are disturbing to me, and I'd like to come to a happy medium, but how?

Also,I have to bitch about my location again: Way up the coast in New York City, I hear tell that my name has passed upon someone's lips because they want me to sing
backup for them, and possibly have my own set for a showcase. but guess what? I CAN'T, because I'm HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Of cousre, if I wasn't a brokeass, this wouldn't be an issue, because I could just fly there for the rehearsals and the performances. I have enough vacation time to take a few weeks off, knock this out and put this experience on my resume, but, let me remind you all again; My Black ass is BROKE, so I can't even fly there for that! I have GOT to leave this place. Besides my fam, there really isn't shit for me here.

Let me go on back to putting my ducks in a row for my escape. Laters!

P.S.

At least I have music to look forward to ( although I'm too broke to buy it right this minute...I'm trying HARD to keep my money in my pocket). Albums from Lalah Hathaway, Shawnna, and Guerilla Black dropped yesterday, and next week, De La Soul and Raphael Saadiq will be dropping new albums. That means I'll be out of about $60 or $70 bucks, but to me, it'll be worth it. Okay, I'm out for real this time :-)

Hey Hey Hey

Yeah, it's been a while since I last posted, but hey, what can I say? I've just been a little busy, that's all. I'm pretty sleepy as I type this, but I feel compelled to post.

So umm, yeah. I've heard about this new quarter life crisis mess about a year or two ago, and I thought to myself, "What a load of BS!" Now, here I am at 26 years old and I think I'm in the throes of one! I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I know that I'm fortunate in a lot of ways, but more often than not, I reach a point in my day and think, "What the fuck is happening with my life, and how did I fuck it up so badly?" Most of my discontent stems from relocating here. Up until now, I've said that I had no regrets in my life. My life so far had been tumultuous, but most of the bad times I have have either made me stronger or smarter, and I don't wish to erase those experiences from my slate. But since moving here, I have had absolutely nothing but bad times. The first "L" I took was a dramatic decrease in pay. I got duped into thinking that the "low cost of living" here here would make it even out. Ha! Low cost of living my ass. The only thing that is cheaper here is the cost of a house if you're BUYING one, and not renting. Food, clothes, gas, anything you can think of is more expensive here. I took on a part time job for a while that just wasn't worth it to me. I went on to do on-call duty for overtime at my regular gig.
Once the end of 2003 rolled around, I was weary of that, because as my crew of coworkers slowly turned into an entirely different drew of people, my job has become more and more unpleasant. "Quit your job!" You say. Ha! I tried that. I've tried going someplace else, but guess what? I keep getting the "overqualified" bullshit thrown at me, or I can't get my shift needs met. I have a couple side hustles that I'd gladly depend on if it was only myself that I had to worry about, but I have a kid. I refuse to have her grow up the way I did, so as long as I have the means to provide the best for her, I will stay at it until something better comes along.

Then there's my mother. She's been ill a lot lately, and besides that, let me be real here... she's a fucking drama queen and a control freak. It's like she's not satisfied unless she can bitch and complain about something. The most trivial bullshit, she can create a knock down drag out confrontation over. She also "knows" EVERYTHING, and when she's wrong she will not apologize. She's been this way all my life, which is why I raised up out of her house when I was 15. I'm a peaceful spirit and all bullshit must stay outside of where I dwell, period. In spite of this, I love her anyway, and as many times as she's been in the hospital ( and I'll be real again, each time it's because of her slovenly lifestyle) I'm terrified that If I move away from this city, that nobody will be there for her. I mean, she has the rest of my family here, but most of them are busy tending to their own lives. I have a 15 year old brother who is not mature as I was at that age. I know without any doubt that if something were to happen to her, he would be a prime candidate for the looney bin. I know that her falling THAT ill is a worst case scenario, but with her lifestyle and penchant for high drama, it's not an unreasonable fear. I need to get out of this city, but I want to be here for my mother. I WILL leave this city but... *sigh*.

Money. Money, Money, Money,Money, MONAAAAAY. I have not been this broke since... hell, I've never been this broke. Let me tell you this, student loan lenders don't give a fuck that you make less money at your new job. Yep, I'm back to the money thing. Whoever said that money doesn't by happiness is a gotdamn liar. If somebody laid as little as 10,000 US dollars on me, I would rollerskate bucknaked down the nearest main street. I don't just want more money, I need it to facilitate my escape from here. As long as I'm dealing with these bullshit jobs in this bullshit city, it's that much harder to leave here. This place is like quicksand. Once you get sucked in, it's pretty hard to get out. I curse my family every day for relocating here, and I curse myself for feeling like I needed their support and moving here to get it. At this point, I'd take on a roommate so that I could squirrel away some money for my escape.

Oh yeah, I mustn't forget about the dearth of single, respectable, and halfway presentable Black men. Hell, men of color, period. (I'm not opposed to SOME swirling, as my daughter is mixed, but I just prefer Black men, or men of color at the least. I can't put my finger on it, but that is just MY preference. I want everyone to do who and what THEY like, and respect what I like.)I don't mean in general, but just here. I don't really buy into the whole "Black Man Shortage", nor the "DL" men phenomenon sweeping the nation( which has been going on since the beginning time, with men AND woemen of all races. I rellay think this is a new tool to make Black men look bad. I don't deny that this is a serious issue that needs attention, but the media is making it look like Black and Latino men are the only ones who are getting down). I don't know what it is about this place, but the men just ain't right! I haven't met one man yet that is satisfactory dating material that isn't already involved with someone else. Hell, most of the ones that ARE coupled off ain't right. I don't think that I have unreasonable standards, and I hope for the best with each man I meet, but damn if they say SOMETHING to mess it all up for themselves within 5 damn minutes. first and foremost, I want someone with a good head on their shoulders that can hold a decent conversation about something other than pop culture, sports, or talking about getting some ass. I have not met one man who lives within a 100 mile radius who can do that yet. In 2 years, not a damn one. I'm tired of making googly eyes via long distance and emails. I'm at a point where damn near all of my relationships outside of my family (platonic and otherwise) are with people who live 4 or more hours away, or out of the daggone country. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!! I'm going nutty!!!! Ah well, my daughter's father is always there, trying to lure me back in. I guess leftovers ain't so bad when they're your own leftovers, huh? Not!


Okay, this is so NOT what I intended to post about initially, but I'm glad to get that off my chest. I don't really feel any better, but I think I might have imploded if this didnt come out. If you're still reading, thanks for hanging in there for my little rant.

Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!

... cheered all the haters at the Player Haters Ball.

I love my friends, I truly do, but sometimes I HATE their asses!
Case in point: my girl Kamilah. Although we have striking contrasts to each other, we are similar enough that we get along like peas in a pod. Since relocating, I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, but we try our best to keep in touch. This heiffer met her longtime crush, Don Cheadle Saturday night. She actually just spoke it into being a few days prior.
In addition to that, she also ran into Djimon Hounsou, and the love of my life (in my fantasies at least)
Chiwetel Ejiofor!

Not only did she meet him, she DANCED with my man!
This goes out to you, 'Milah...

"I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate you too! I wish you ill! I want nothing but bad things to happen to you and nobody else but YOU!!" (c) Silky Johnson


Psyche, I'm kidding, but man, I'm SO envious right now.

I'm gonna go over in the corner and pout now.

Hmmm, really?

Category I - The Hub

You're a 'people person'. Networking runs in your
blood. Consequently, you can move through most
social circles with ease.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



I find these results strange, as I consider myself pretty shy. I mean, I have lots of aquaintences, and I think I'm pretty well liked, but I dunno. Maybe the shy, quiet self image that I have is all wrong. why haven't I been putting my "people person" skills to work? Can any of you answer this for me?

*scratches head*

Come On Now, People...

Stop the hate.

Serena. Looks. Good.



Just admit it.