I'm still here y'all

I know I haven't posted in a minute. My apologies to all 2.5 members of my readership community, *lol*.

Well well well... what has gone on since? Nothing much, same ole same old, except that this past weekend I went to Atlanta with my homegirl T.T. and met up with my girl Meagan for her birthday. We went to see Erykah Badu, and old girl tow ( that's tore, for the slang challenged) the house down, as usual. Nina Sky and Twista opeened the show. We really wanted to see Jill Scott on Saturday, but the tickets sold out so we "settled" ( ha!) for Erykah. I was impressed with Nina Sky! They can really sing! Problem is, their material leaves something to be desired. As for Twista, I was a lil disappointed, because I'm a fan from his older days, and I wanted to hear more of that, but of course, he stayed focused on his latest album, which isn't bad per se, but I just like "old" Twista better.

We had a great time during the show though, during everyone's sets and right before Erykah's because that's when the DJ finally decided to start throwing fire on the 1s and 2s. At that point, it seemed like he started throwing on the BEST hip hop ever made up until the year of 1994 or so. I broke out of my normal shy shell ( thanks to Meagan and her nutty self) and danced my ass OFF. I had on heels and had to take those bad boys off to get my groove on properly... a sis was getting a lil hyped up in there! I swear that by the time I was through, my snug jeans has started slipping down, and my abs were looking tighter. We worked OUT, ya heard? what kinda pissed me of was... these neo boho posers. You know the type. I don't even have to begin to explain, but they are the typical type you'd expect to see at a Badu show. they were hating on us hard, and being stiff than a mug, like we were out of place by having a good time dancing and reciting along with the music before E's set. I guess we were disturbing their chi or some shit, or maybe my fro was obscuring their vision or something, I dunno. I apologize to ya phony stiff, fake wanna be boho asses though; I lit some nag champa in your honor before I went to bed that night :-).

After the concert, I went to a gay club with TT and her girlfriend, and danced a lil bit more... to the point where my thighs hurt! I usually don't dance, but what the hell the DJ was on fire... I figured I could drop another 5 pounds for the night, lol. I had a good time there too. Don't get me wrong, I love men, but y'all don't know how to behave in the club sometimes, so being the lezzie hag that I am, I had a ball. Most of the men there were cute too, but I didn't have to be concerned about being inappropriately groped. Lesbians are funny though... almost a lil more hardcore than men. I got hit on before I got in the door good. It's been my experience that if you have no intentions to go along with their game, A lesbian don't even wanna talk to your ass ANY MORE. With men, you can turn them down, and they'll still talk to you, or at least try to get a dance so they can rub up on you or something. Lesbians? Nope. Every time I said, "Sorry, I'm into men", the chicks got GHOST. Men who get dissed in clubs, take notes! Be gone once you get shot down, okay?

I had a really gracious host for the weekend, and I don't think I made it to their place til about 5:30 am, so You know I was tore down and worn out... thankfully, when I woke up, my body wasn't screaming in as much agony as it had been doing when I went to bed. After bsing most of the day, I was treated by my host to a nice spot, and I got to see OMAR!!! My goodness I have such a crush on Omar, it's a shame. I wanted to eat him up... despite the fact that she's short, and we all know I'm not crazy about short men. Omar is the bomb... and he got the nerve to make good music too. *sigh* What a guy.


Lets see... well you know I always have to close with a gripe though, right?
Well. Ever feel like you're just in the wrong place for EVERYTHING? I usually don't trip on men or relationships because my focus is usually elsewhere, but now I'm tripping because I really like someone, but knowing who and how I am, I can't pursue them because they don't live here. This sucks, and always happens to me. I met someone over the weekend too, but I wonder why I'm bothering, because of the same thing. I mean, sure we can visit each other, but it's not the same. Dating is hard enough as it is, but dating LONG DISTANCE? Fuggetaboutit. Tried it... as light dating and in a monagamous relationship... it's hard and I don't have the energy to devote to it. Why do the men here have to suck? Good news is, I'm leaving for the new year, God willing, so wish me luck!

Y'all be good now, ya hear?

Baby, baby, baby...

Where has all the time gone? My baby has gone from this


to this




Today is her 11th birthday. The time has flown. It seems like she was just a baby in my arms just the other day. Last night, she begged me to receive her gift, so I let her put on her bangle and ring. The ring only fits her pinky! I told her to hold her hand up to mine, and the child's hands and fingers are bigger than mine. When did all this happen, and how did I miss it? she also seems to be in some kind of weird race to top my height and she's catching up! I figured she'd be tall, because I'm 5'11", but she is on my tail already. She has some big old feet too. I don't know what to make of this. I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast. She received in invite to the National Beta Club today. I'm cheesed up about that.

I remember being her age, and it it really wasn't long ago. I thnk I'm riddled with a little more angst than she is right now. She's a really easygoing, well adjusted child. I'm pround of her. I still just can't believe it's all happening so fast. I think I'm gonna go clean over the edge by the time she hits high school, *sigh* what ise gon' do?


Off to go have some tea or something, this is a bit much for me, ha!
Later!

Sleep is good

Sleep is one of my favorite activities, but I haven't been able to get any restful sleep in a REAAAAAAAALLY long time. Well, I just woke up from some of the bestest (yup that's what I said) sleep! I almost didn't get up, but the kid is on her way home from school. Thats sleep was so good, if given the choice between sleep and some penis....I woulda been a sleeping ass. *giggles*

Oh yeah, and then a woke up to a shiny new check card! I know that basically ain't shit, but when you like to buy stuff online and have several monthly acounts that get taken care of through it, it's a bitch to not have it. I was looking dumb, feeling embarrased at cash registers trying to explain what happened, and having to *gasp* set foot in the bank to deposit checks ( peep my T-shirt side hustle... off to your right there, tee hee) and make withdrawals. I was also frustrated because I saw some really cute and sexy things on CLEARANCE at some of my favorite online places and couldn't buy yackety smack. Now that I have my shiny happy new card, I feel like this:



That's all for the minute. I'm sure something will sour my mood later, ha!

Well folks...

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement I've gotten in regards to my last 2 entries to my blog. I'm not gonna get all sappy and mushy and get myself into a tizzy again, but I'd like to let you all know that I really appreciate it.

I have come to a realization about something. Sometimes you just have to admit you failed at something. I am now admitting that my attempt to make a life here is an utter and complete failure. As I have said several times before, there is absolutely nothing in this place for me other than my family. It just ain't enough. I have tried to make a satisfying life here for my daughter's sake, and I can not do it. I've tried for 2 years. If that wasn't an honest effort I don't know what the hell is. When I take upon a new endeavor, it's done with incredible zeal. Ask anyone who I'd been contact with during the time that I'd been planning to come here, and they'd tell you that I was acting like I'd won a multi-million dollar jackpot or something. I really and truly thought that I could make this work. I love my family, I do, but being close to them is not enough. If they lived somewhere else this might have worked, but it just ain't happening. I came here for the wrong reasons, and my life has become a train wreck because of it.

All that said, I have made some extremely difficult decisions over the past two days.
I don't wish to divulge them here until some of them are carried through, but trust me, they are some extreme choices I never thought that I would have to make. I'd rather carry them out than to continue living life like this. I can't even call this existence I'm suspended in a life, for real. It's serious like that. I will be 30 soon and I promised myself while I was still in my teens that by the time I hit 30 that I wouldn'be be caught up in some bullshit existence, and I won't. I simply REFUSE to be.

Off topic: while I was writing this, I realized something else.
I AM NOT NICE. I'm not! This seems to be a trait people associate with me, and I'm not. At least I'm tired of trying to be. I need to let the feeling that I need to be nice go. I don't feel like being nice all the time. I am courteous, and I'm respectful, only because I want people to extend as much to me. I wonder what would happen if I just decided to nut the fuck up for a day. How would people like THAT?
Of course, I can get nasty when necessary, but I get the feeling that If I just let 'er rip for a whole 24 hours, that it would be like one long comedy sketch. Hmmm.


Anyway, that's all for today.